It's all over...Joseph Hachem is a wanker

Alrighty then...it's all over! For now. Fret not, oh loyal reader of the forum...for I have been asked to 'deal the circuit'. Apparently my skills as a dealer are better than the average bear's. Not that it takes much. The next event is in Tunica, Miss. starting around August 7th. More to come...

As for the WSOP....all I can say is, it was an experience. I am displeased in the main event, to say the least. Ironically tho, I am not displeased with Harrah's, Binion's, The Rio, the incompetence of my bosses, or there bosses, etc. No. For once, they did a good job - as far as the main event goes. I am displeased, oh fuck that...I am pissed/appauled/AMAZED at the fucking players.

7 of the final 10 players (9 of which became millionaires), managed to drop a combined ZERO dollars in tips, for the dealers. Roughly 25 MILLION of the 56 million total purse, went to these 10 philanthropists. 7 managed a big fat fucking goose egg. That Aussie fuck Joseph Hachem, who brought in 7.5M and left nada. This guy seemed really cool the whole time I was involved with him. I dealt to him two separate days of the main event alone, but I am talking more about his interviews on cardplayer.com. He seemed like an okay guy. I am a graduate of Cleveland Chiropractic College, and am currently in the process of taking my national boards. I say this only because as it turns out, Joseph Hachem is a former chiropractor (although in australia, I think you come out of the womb as a second trimester chiropractic student) so I was even more happy for 'the lad'. Fucking wanker is more like it. He didn't leave shit. So for the purpose of hitting the search engines (a la Sam Farha is a cocksucker), I will repeat:

Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker! Joseph Hachem is a fucking wanker!

Joseph Hachem, if you happen to get this link sent to you from one of your fellow "Shirleys", don't think I am putting the onus solely on you. There are at least 6 others that rank just below the corn in my shit. You just happen to win the most, making your lack of gratuity worse than anyone elses. Fuck You!

Any of you other Keeblers Corn Nibblet wanna-bes that happen to read this (I know..I have less chance of winning the WSOP than any of you seeing this, by a factor of 1 billion) feel free to comment - preferrably to ask where to send a generous tip to. I will make sure it gets evenly distributed among ALL the 350+ dealers who worked 40 some odd days STRAIGHT, 10 hours a day, to make sure everyone who participated in ANY of the WSOP events, had the time of their lives! Otherwise, I hope the express train to hell drops you off directly in the sodomite section. I can't think of anything more appropriate for your final resting place, than you spending your fiery eternity with a trident shoved up your a$$.

KFL cont., Scott Fishbait, and Dutch, The Thief, Boyd

Gonna just cram in a few things here....

The first round of the main event has almost 5600 players in it. Each of the first three days, roughly 2000 start, and 1350 bust out. Two days into round 1 of the main event - almost 4000 players so far, and I have only had 1 (out of roughly 2700) go bust on my table. You guessed it. I knocked out Kathy Fucking Liebert. I smiled from ear to ear. She had on that same goddamn velvet sweat suit, and was wearing her fucking fanny pack. Rounds are 140 minutes long, and start with 25 and 50 blinds. It is round 2 (50/100 blinds) and poor nasty KFL is down to about 3k or so in chips. She is in the big blind (100) and there are 5 limpers already in, preflop. She raises to 600. Everyone folds, except one guy. Flop comes....Q, 5, ?. KFL bets 1400. D00d calls. Turn is a 3. KFL goes all in for 2500 more and d00d calls. Cards are flipped over. KFL has A3 spades, and d00d has 56 off suit. River was a rag. Exit stage left for KFL. YEEEEEEHAWWWWWWW!

Now, if I can only knock out Scott Fishman, this trip will all be worth it. I knocked him out of the $10,000 PL Omaha tourney, which was justice enough, but one more time will seal the deal.

Scott Fishman is the complete package. He is the head of a dick, he is the shaft of a dick, he is a pair of nasty balls that hang under a dick. Again, he is the complete package. This KID stands at a stellar 5-foot nothing, and weighs about a buck-0-five. He is an ex Bellagio dealer who used to live off of tokes (tokes are tips, for you who don't know what that is, or how to do it). This collosal douchebag goes out of his way to tell people NOT to tip. This little prick goes out of his way to make an asshole out of himself. He can kiss my ass - right down where it's pink. I can't stress how much I despise this twerp. Fuck him and his 'crew'. If I could, I would piss in his 'fish tank'.

Russ Boyd...aka Dutch Boyd. Russ is his real name, but after scamming thousands of people out of 100s of 1000s of dollars on a long extinct poker site, he changed his name to Dutch - boy..you fooled us there, Dutch. I dealt to this scumbag a sometime last week. All he did was do simple little chip tricks the entire time I was there. He never said a word. Probably for fear of getting my size 13 shoe crammed into his lying mouth. Fuck him too. As a matter of fact - fuck anyone related to these people, the 'crew' and any relatives therein. Fuck the lot of 'em.

Chris Jesus Ferguson escapes an early exit

First of all, Chris Ferguson seems like a pretty good Joe. I have dealt to him several times throughout the tourney. He never turns away a fan, never doesn't sign his autograph, and never won't take a pic with someone. For that, I can appreciate him. I have heard some rumors about a couple of things he MIGHT have said, as far as tipping the dealers go...but I will touch on that in my next post. For now, just want to fill you in on a hand that happened today.

The scene: Day 1A (the first 2000 players..to get whittled down to 650). It was fucking PACKED today. 200 tables in the room...all full, for ONE tourney. This is the first THIRD of the field. It was sheer chaos. Quite exhilerating to be a part of tho. For every player, there was at least one spectator! Unreal atmosphere....

Anyhow....back to CJF. I didn't deal the hand - it happened on the table behind me - and the details might be skewed a tad, but basically, it came to this...CJF had AA and some d00d with K9 (not even sure if it was suited or not). I am not sure of the actions that took place, the betting sequence, or any of the sort. About the only thing I am sure of is all the money went in after the flop.

K 9 4 flop. AA vs K9. Turn: blank. River: 4. CJF wins with Aces up.

From my understanding, CJF was shorter stacked and all in. The story and the hand itself, not THAT nuts. I mean, we've all seen it before. But the room went NUTS! I felt like a kid in a candy store just being present at this thing. Better yet...I was in the middle of it all, and not on the sidelines. It really is something any poker player should partake in, sometime during their life.

Oh yea...the first person to go bust did it in the first 5 minutes. There was a big applause from everyone...it was kinda cool.

Tomorrow is GameTime

Yep...it's finally here. 6 weeks of hell and putting up with shit is finally over. Well, I will still put up with shit I am sure, but at least it will be for the biggie. I wish I could've written more stories, as I had more, but never got around to writing them, and have now forgotten anything that was *probably not* worth writing. I will do my best to post anything good that happens in the main event. I know cardplayer.com and numerous other sites have their video clips and much more coverage and what all...but they don't do justice to what the dealers see on a hand by hand scenario.

Anyhow...thanks to my two 'fans' so far for reading what i've said. I will hopefully get another few good stories.

Kathy Fucking Liebert

For the entire month of July, I give everyone who happens to see me (I will be in KC for a week or so) permission to tee my n00tz up and kick 'em as hard as you want. How the HELL could I have gone THIS LONG and not dropped a story about Kathy Fucking Liebert *now known as KFL*??

First and foremost, you should all know how much I despise this "woman". I watch poker on TV all the time (we all do) and I CRINGE whenever she is on. They say TV adds 10 pounds to a person. Bullshit! Near as I can tell, it takes at least 20 OFF - at least in the case of KFL.

I dealt to her, briefly, the first week or so I was here. I don't remember what exactly happened, but she was a bitch.....shocker. I dealt to her again last week and she pulled a move that made me see red. It was such horseshit....

This event is limit hold 'em, blinds are 25/50 (it's still early). KFL is in the sb. Everyone fold to the button, who raises. KFL calls. BB folds. Flop comes out (not sure what the flop was, and it is irrelevant anyhow. KFL bets 50 (2 green chips). Button raises by throwing out a blackie (and saying raise, of course). KFL tosses out a blackie of her own...she doesn't say 'call' or 'raise' but EVERYONE knows her intention was to reraise. I say that because she didn't pull back her two greens like a normal person would do who is just calling a raise. Also, she had a ton of greenies to 'just call' with. It is obvious her intention was to reraise. Now, I should say that as a dealer, I probably SHOULD have said "reraise" when KFL plopped the blackie down, but as a dealer, you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Players know what the intent is, and the less a dealer talks, the better. Anyhow...the button RERAISES KFL (remember, she tossed a blackie out there, and left the two greenies, which could only be taken as a reraise in and of itself. So when the button said 'reraise (to 200), KFL chimes in with "I just called, you can't reraise me" *At this point, KFL QUICKLY, and conveniently, grabs her two greenies back*

So the floor is called, and technically, in the end, the right call was made. When the floor gets there, KFL takes over in telling the situtation, and reenacting it in her favor (by grabbing the greenies MUCH sooner than what really happened. BULLLLLLSHIT. So the floor determined that KFL threw in an 'overchip' to call the initial raise, and didn't say anything. This constitutes a 'call (only)'. Again, according to poker room rules EVERYWHERE, this was the correct call. Although everyone and their dog knows that KFL was trying to make a move, and got busted. "KFL just called" So the bet is just the $100. Turn was...whatever, KFL checks, button bets, KFL folds. You couldn't've scripted a better 'cheat'. If KFL leaves the 'reraise' out there, and the button folds...hand over, KFL wins....but she got reraised, so she pulled the "I only called" card, and saved $100 tourney chips. Fucking cheater.

More on Kathy. She wears the same outfit everytime I see her. First, let's picture the color. Imagine eating 2 bowls of 3 alarm chili, and washing it down with a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. The next day, on the way to a forest, you stop off and grab a paper plate, and a little jar of metallic red paint at a model toy store...you know, those little 1 oz jars? Ok, so jog 1 mile, uphill, carrying a full backpack, and wearing fatigues. Take the paper plate and place it on the ground. Squat over it with your sweaty ass, and shit out the 2 bowls of 3 alarm chili that was washed down with that 12 pack of PBR. Empty out the 1 oz jar of model paint, grab a twig off of a tree, and mix it up. That is the color of this fucking 'sweatsuit' that KFL wears.

But that's not all....the material that this hideous outfit is made of is (drum roll please......................) Velvet. Yes, velvet. Mel Torme would be proud. She also wears a fanny pack. I cannot stress to you how geigh fanny packs are. I wear one at work, but it is required. We have to put our tips SOMEWHERE. I cannot see ANY other reason why anyone would wear one of these fashion faux pas. Maybe for holding a walkman while doing yard work, or working out...but even those are EXTREME maybes.

Not KFL. She wears one everyday. She rests it in front, on top of her FUPA. A FUPA, for those of you not familiar with the acronym, stands for "Fat Upper P*ssy Area" Basically, it's a pooch belly. Hideous, hideous, hideous.

Truthfully, I think NASA coulda saved $332,990,000 dollars, by dipping KFL in the same copper alloy solution they put Han Solo in, in The Empire Strikes Back, and just shot KFL into the Tempel 1 comet. I can guarantee that comet's orbital path would've been changed by more than .000001 mps, or whatever it was. Hell, that thing would've prolly split right in two! But I digress...

So yesterday, again, I get to deal to the Velvet Fog's (that is Mel Torme's nickname) idol. She is sitting directly across from me. I won't even go into her lack-of-wearing-a-bra thing (or at least wearing-a-bra-that-does-her-no-justice thing). The mere sight of this velvet blob made my stomach turn. There was some frenchie in seat 1. Apparently, before I got there, I missed some conversations between KFL and this frog, that had some sort of sexual undertones. Who knows...who cares. But the entire time I am at the table, KFL and the frog keep talking. I think KFL wanted to have a coital affair with the guy. Poor frog. At one point, KFL said something, the frog didn't hear it but the whole table laughed. He asked to be filled in on what he missed, and KFL said "nevermind, we were speaking English anyhow, you wouldn't've understood it." The froggie, kinda under his breath muttered something in french. Now, I took 6 years of french, throughout high school and college, and although it is pretty rusty, I can assure you I heard "fuck" and "shit" in what the guy said. I kid you not, I fucking LAUGHED OUT LOUD, right then and there, in the box, while dealing the next hand. KFL looked at me with an inquisitive leer. It was like looking into the face of Medusa - I froze....still smiling. I just bit my lip and carried on. I apologized for laughing, and finished dealing.

During my time on the table, I pushed KFL a TON of chips. I gave her JJ, JJ, KK, AA and AA. I could kill myself for that, but whattya gonna do? At one point, when I was pushing her a mound of chips, I accidentally touched her hand as she was scooping the chips in. I IMMEDIATELY thought of my childhood days of watching the Superfriends. The good years...when it was the SF vs The Legion of Doom...not the latter years with the wonder twins and their stupid monkey and shit like that. The years with bizarro world, bizarro Superman, etc. If Superman and Bizarro Superman were to have ever touched, they'd both die. Kinda like when dorkass Trekkies talk about matter and antimatter colliding. Anyhow, when I knicked her finger...I thought life as I new it was gonna come shattering to a cataclysmic end. KFL is not THE fattest, nor THE ugliest 'woman' on the planet, nor am I the MOST fit, or BEST loooking guy on the planet. But in the grand scheme of things, I am AS fit as she is fat, and I am as NONUGLY, as she is ugly. We are 'bizarro's' of each other. I just knew I was doomed. Thankfully, I survived. Conversely, and equally UNTHANKFUL, so did she.

Anyhow, before my time was done on the table, the tourney went on break. I again apologized to KFL for busting out laughing. Not because I give a fuck about what SHE thinks about me, no sirree. I did it to remind her, and goad her into asking me why. She bit. I just told her, "well...I speak french" and left it at that, with a big shit eating grin on my face. She was displeased. I was, you guessed it, equally pleased. Bizarro.

L.I.P.S.

So I dealt the ladies only tourney last week. I gotta tell ya, I was like a kid in a candy store! Over 600 women partook in this poker fiasco. Jennifer Tilly ended up winning the thing, but that's of ill-importance. Did I mention it was ladies only...and there were over 600 of 'em? Mercy. Hotties everywhere! There was, however, a big group of women, all decked out in L.I.P.S. attire. [L]adies [I]nternational [P]oker [S]eries, is what the acronym stands for - although it's really just a bunch of [L]esbians [I]n [P]oker [S]hirts. One of there, what appeared to be, 'spokespersons' was, I kid you not, a Mexican lady named Lupe`. She couldn't've been more the perfect stereotype. She was kinda outspoken *by that I mean, loud-mouth extraordinaire*. She told anyone and everyone about LIPS, who they were, and what they did. Evidently, this gaggle of carpetmunchers travel around and follow the WSOP circuit and 'take over' the women's tourney at each venue. If I were a true lesbian, (not the cliche'd type *you know, a lesbian trapped in a man's body*) I'd've been embarassed.

Anyhow...this was truly one of my funnest days so far. I was pretty sure I'd be in for some seroiusly shitty poker, coupled with constant bickering and nagging. Let's face it 600+ women, in one room, with the free will to speak. I couldn't've been more wrong. It was a BLAST! One table in particular, I could've stayed at all day. Karina Jett was directly across from me, in seat 5. Absolutley stunning! One chick, to her right *seat 4*, who looked like a cross between Al Delveccio (from Happy Days) and Laverne Defazio (sp. from Laverne and Shirley) was a complete riot. Her mom is apparently a taxi drvier in NYC and her cab is seen on Taxicab Confessions a lot. She was telling stories about some of the shit her mom has seen. One scene had something to do with a chick using a breat pump in the cab...all the women, including Karina, chimed in. All the while, I am eavesdropping like no tomorrow :) Karina was hilarious as well. She said the first time someone came up and asked her hubby (Chip Jett) for an autograph...she busted out laughing and had to walk away. Sorry Chip...but that shit is funny!

I only ran across one complete bitch the entire day *granted, I didn't get to meet the entire field, by any means...I am sure there were plenty more*. Overall tho, I had less of an inclination to stick my foot in someones ass during this event, than any other. That says something for the women.

By the way...if you are that incredibly hot chick from Kentucky, that was sitting in seat 10 when I left...(you were about to bust out at that point) if you read this...please contact me :) Pierre Renoir, Claude Monet, Edouard Manet or Paul Cezanne couldn't paint a picture more striking than you!